I write this having bathed myself in cinematic majesty for twenty-four straight hours: the Hallmark Channel Tree-Centered Christmas Movie marathon. I run by the Crown Media headquarters every day, and I’m always counting down along with the crocheted billboard (yes, this is real) that tells us when the marathon will start. Below I’ve detailed the classics, both in plot and quality.
Before we get to it, a few reminders for Must Love Trees: An Unconventional Guide:
We’re currently the top new release on Amazon for both nature writing and books about trees. This rules. Thank you to everyone who has supported this book. I’m so excited about this spring’s release and some of the fun things (and swag!) that will be happening between now and April 11th.
You have until sundown on December 26th (the end of the eighth night of Hanukkah) to pre-order a copy, then send the order screenshot to MustLoveTreesBook@gmail.com to get a personalized video from me. More pre-order links at the end of this email.
I posted this great picture by Lyla Duey on instagram and you’ll be happy to know that it’s the same energy that I’ll be bringing to the Jews Love Trees calendar this coming year:
The Top Tree-Centered Hallmark Christmas Movies
Fir Better or Fir Worse
Plot: When city girl Maddie (Danica McKellar) inherits her estranged father’s (Tom Skerritt) Christmas tree farm, the fashionable fish-out-of-water finds herself drowning in a host of problems related to farming a healthy crop of Abies fraseri before the holidays. Luckily, she’s just a few farms down from Harry (Cameron Mathison), a gifted nurseryman…and her ex-husband.
Verdict: Recommend. There’s a lot of beautiful cinematography of the trees here, especially as they fill out when Harry’s green thumb comes into play. The human characters are flat as Kansas, but I was weeping during the Tom Skerritt dream sequence.
A Tree Queen for Christmas
Plot: After environmental activist Olivia (Lacey Chabert) finds out she is actually the queen of a prosperous, diminutive country named Helgundora, she quickly learns—to her horror—that one of the Queen’s most important duties is to chop down a pine tree in memory of an old war victory. As the fateful day draws closer, so does her relationship with Bartlin (Chad Michael Murray), her tradition-obsessed prime minister.
Verdict: Do Not Recommend. While Olivia’s tiny, flourishing country makes a perfect winter backdrop for her blossoming relationship with Bartlin (Michael Murray at his smoldering best), the only up-close shot of the legendary pine tree is a view of the roots. It’s possible that they used a stand-in.
Sprucing Up in Twin-sel Town
Plot: Events coordinators and twin sisters Mary and Maude (played by real-life sisters Kimberly Williams Paisley and Ashley Williams) are tasked with finding the perfect Christmas Tree to place in notorious Los Angeles outdoor mall The Grove (Tom Arnold gives a thundering performance as Rick Caruso). The sisters board a biplane bound for the forests of Vancouver with incorrigible bachelor pilot Edmund (Andrew Walker). When their plane goes down in bad weather, leaving the trio stranded, it’s every twin for herself, with Edmund trying to broker an uneasy peace between the two.
Verdict: Recommend. An excellent set-up sets the stage for hilarious twin-versus-twin action, reminiscent of Gary Paulsen’s “Hatchet” meets “Parent Trap”. The mix of white, black, and Sitka Spruce makes me think there were multiple shooting locations. The only reason I do not highly recommend this film is Andrew Walker’s performance. I normally love Walker, but here it seems like he was doing his best Brennan Elliott and it didn’t work for me.
All I Want for Christmas is…Brad
Plot: Best friends Brad (Jonathan Bennett) and Brad (Luke Macfarlane), interior decorators who co-own firm The Brads™, have managed to put their college-era romantic relationship behind them and establish one of the most successful small businesses in the Lake Bradley area. But when a client’s request for an enormous, centrally-placed Douglas-fir in a prized living room interior creates major artistic conflict between the two, the Brads™ find that their passion for design has always been bound up in the passion that they have for each other.
Verdict: Highly Recommend. I literally stared gape-mouthed at the top-billed Douglas-fir and the time-lapse photography amidst the human storyline. Bennett and Macfarlane are old pros at the game, but their scathing George and Martha routine was something I’d never seen before. There was a dagger for every wisecrack, and Tom Skerritt’s turn as Mark the demanding client was a Christmas miracle.
An Out-of-Context Sentence from Must Love Trees: An Unconventional Guide
Page 204:
“I’m not normally a vindictive person, but I have three exceptions: when a person insults my family, when a mosquito bites my butt (yes, they love to do this for some reason), and when something that is absolutely not a tree decides to imitate a tree.”
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‘It’s possible that they used a stand-in.’
Ahahahahaha