My Six Rejected Discovery Channel Pitches
Please don't use these--I'm still shopping them around (Crackle, if you're listening!)
1. “Phallic Planet”
Join me, Tobin Mitnick, as I seek out the world’s most turgid natural formations. Whether the breathtaking aggression of the perfectly-named “Penis Rock” in Arches National Park or the lazy confidence of the cleverly-dubbed “Penis Rock” in West Java, this natural peen-omenon is part of a worldwide geological trend. That’s all well and good…but what does it mean for us?
2. “My Ultimate Extreme Backyard Wilderness Adventure Safari”
Join me, Tobin Mitnick, as I explore the backyards, barnyards, and courtyards of America’s wealthiest gated communities. You’ll see that nature’s magic can spring up in any old Ultimate Extreme Backyard Estate.
3. “America the Hideous”
Join me, Tobin Mitnick, as I seek out nature’s most repulsive uggos from sea to shining sea. We’ll start off the season with a deep dive on turkey vultures, spend episodes 3-6 on those weird tentacle things that grow on calves’s feet, then follow around some more vultures for episodes 7-10. Most of this show is vultures.
4. “Vulture Island”
Join me, Tobin Mitnick, for a vulture adventure. If, like me, you simply cannot help obsessing about vultures with a morbid fascination that some psychiatrists would describe as “poisonous to the mind and soul”, you’re really going to like this show, which takes place on an island exclusively populated by vultures.
5. “Vulture Tattoo Shop”
Join me, Tobin Mitnick, as I open up my own tattoo shop based on the sixteen crates of sketches I made on Vulture Island.
6. “Tobin Vulture”
Join me, Tobin Vulture, after having legally changed my name and physical appearance, as I tell my family members that I will only be consuming carrion at this particular Thanksgiving.
Perhaps one of these projects could be funded by a vulture capital fund.