Let's Cancel These Woke Trees

Go woke, sad oak.

There was once a time when trees meant something in America. Canopy domineers like Hickory taught us that it is individual effort and talent alone that allow us to gobble up sunlight. Holly trees took up their rightful places according to biological sex—men stayed outside to fight hungry squirrels while women adorned the fire place with their very pretty and very feminine red berries. Finally, masculine sprawlers like the White Oak and the Giant Sequoia taught us that man-spreading is actually a good thing.

But this way of life is under threat from a new barrage of trees who call themselves American. So let’s do ourselves a favor and cancel them, just like we did the American Chestnut—what with its socialism-adjacent handouts of endless, delicious chestnuts for whatever lazy bottom-feeder wants them.

These trees are hereby cancelled:

Rainbow Eucalyptus: Need we say more? Cancelled.

Bristlecone Pine: Can live up to 5000 years. Able to tell us what really happened in history. No, thank you! Cancelled.

Weeping Willow: No snowflakes allowed! Cancelled.

All Pine Trees: Both male and female sexual organs on the same tree. Uh, grooming much? Cancelled.

Eastern Hemlock: Currently suffering from woolly adelgid invasion. No vulnerability allowed! Cancelled.

Common Paw-paw: Depends on diversity—including the Oak and Hickory trees above it that shield it from too much sun—to survive. Cancelled.

Incense-Cedar: Used to make pencils. Cancelled.

Black Ironwood: So incredibly dense it destroyed my table saw, proving that it hates manly activities. Cancelled.

Subalpine fir: No skinny soy-boiz allowed; chunkers only. Cancelled.