Four Hikes That Suck
Want easy-to-reach beauty? Once-in-a-lifetime vistas? Peaceful vibes? Don’t go on these.
Hiking is a great way to connect with the great outdoors, and perhaps something larger than yourself. But these four dreadful rambles are more realistic:
Lack of Inspiration Point
Need to make headway on that screenplay? Find the unmarked trailhead at your kitchen table and reread your writer friend’s terrible notes that you won’t take, then spend 45 minutes on Reddit. Then, after admiring its rugged beauty, drive your Toyota Prius to The Coffee Bean (the WeWork trailhead is permanently closed), where you can admire the wildlife around you: mostly white guys on the same trail. Witness the stunning glyphs scrawled atop your cappuccino. Write three lines of dialogue that you think are funny then remember that you are subconsciously plagiarizing “Point Break” and delete them. Spend two hours googling “how to prevent cryptonesia”. Drive home.
Nostalgia Wilderness
This horrendous jaunt through your old high school is full of humiliating trails and best witnessed at Thanksgiving, when the ghosts of your past are certain to hide behind every corner. In the parking lot, discover the same bus you had to take when you lost your license during senior year for drinking a Yuengling at a Dave Matthews Band Concert. Experienced masochists will brave the incline up the vinyl stairs to the second floor, where your old Chemistry teacher who never figured out how to buy underwear that accommodates his scrotum demands to know all about your life “out in Hollywood”. 0.2 miles past the cafeteria, take a left at the band room, where you where you pretty much—no, definitely—got to third base with Elena Hofstedt before being discovered by Mrs. Mohn, the choral director.
Desperation Wilderness via the 109th St crosswalk
This vibes of this well-trodden path in Northern Manhattan are best traversed while in college. Make sure to bring plenty of water and a fake ID. Start out with two $9 Brooklyn Lagers at McDuffy’s, then, with your naive romantic intentions, approach various with a sheepish smile to display your cowardice. Make sure to fiddle with your cartilage piercing for smooth rejections. When the humiliation becomes too great, take the paved trek across the street to O’Malley’s. Here, order a White Russian, absorb the mockery of the bartender, then finish it quietly in the corner booth near the bathroom. Return to McDuffy’s with a renewed sense of bravery but smelling like Kahlua, then take the endless switchbacks between the two bars before a disastrous game of darts angers an urban planning grad student, forcing you to off-road it back to your dorm.
Nausea Peak Loop Trail
The Nausea Peak Loop Trail is a perfect pick for the morning after completing Desperation Wilderness via the 109th St. crosswalk. Wake up parched and raw, then take elevator down to the lobby and buy two packages of Reeses peanut butter cups. Returning to your room, consume them, vomit, and fall asleep. Later, seek out your favorite Gyro guy and get way too much white sauce, before eating it on the bench between Broadway and Amsterdam Avenues and wondering what could have possibly gone wrong the previous evening. Poles may be necessary.