Enough of these ludicrous hail size comparisons. Enough.
Every year this shit gets worse.
It’s that time of year when the severe weather reports come rolling in, and, with them, reports of “record-size hail”. Every year there is record-size hail, it seems, and a new outlandish comparison to a known object’s size.
But this year takes the cake. According to the Washington Post, last week the National Weather Service reported its first-ever warning of “DVD-size hail” in West Texas. Sir, if I flip the hail over, will there be bonus features and an interview with the director? Included in the headline for the article, hail was also compared to “melons” (what kind?) and bricks (what era?) Hold on while I take a sip from my water-shaped drink and put on a person-sized t-shirt.
But the wildest comparison of this thunderstorm season—which has barely even started, god bless us—has got to be this, from a Fox News headline: “Hail the size of energy drink”.
A once-in-a-lifetime atmospheric phenomenon roughly the size of “energy drink.” And here I thought this was just some typical Fox News bullshit until I read the article and found that this analogy from hell was straight from the NOAA’s Storm Prediction Center itself. That’s right, a “16 oz Monster nitro energy drink”
Who is the hopped-up broseph in the Storm Prediction Lab who thought the three day-old, half-drunk can on his bite-size Milky Way wrapper-covered desk would be a suitable comparison for biblical-level precipitation? Also, the official inclusion of “nitro”? What about “Monster Zero Sugar” or “Monster ThE dOcToR”? All the same size! How about “tall boy”? Or “16-oz Fanta?” Don’t we want to bring in the Williamsburg set? Or are we simply to believe that “16 oz Monster nitro energy drink” is the official drink of the National Weather Service now?
“I’m Jim Cantore, and when I need to wrestle the wind, I always have my 16 oz Monster nitro energy drink can.”
We need to find this rogue employee. Find him and tell him what he’s done.
Here’s the official NOAA hail size comparisons:
Pea = 1/4 inch diameter
Mothball = 1/2 inch diameter
Penny = 3/4 inch diameter
Nickel = 7/8 inch
Quarter = 1 inch — hail quarter size or larger is considered severe
Ping-Pong Ball = 1 1/2 inch
Golf Ball = 1 3/4 inches
Tennis Ball = 2 1/2 inches
Baseball = 2 3/4 inches
Tea cup = 3 inches
Softball = 4 inches
Grapefruit = 4 1/2 inches
Now I know not everyone is a 75 year-old fruit-loving athlete, and therefore may find it hard to visualize some of these hail sizes, but at least there was someone conscious behind the wheel when they were making them up (with the exception of “mothball”. I assume “blueberry” was already taken by the grooming products lobby).
So, as we continue on this road to the hailpocalypse, I better not see any “laserdisc-size hail”, “Subway sandwich-size hail,” or, God help me, “Half-Price Large Cherry Slush for a Limited Time only at Sonic-size hail”, or goddamnit I will flip my container-sized lid.